Which of these sounds like a good deal:

For sale: Beverly Hills mansion, $25 million, driveway and garage not included.

For sale: Vintage Ferrari, $5 million, tires and wheels not included.

For sale: Gulfstream V, $25 million, wings not included.

For sale: L.A. Dodgers, $1 billion-plus, parking lots not included.

So you answered "none of the above" too, right? 

Then why are there still nine groups bidding for the right to pay beleaguered Dodgers owner Frank McCourt beaucoup Benjamins for a team -- and a stadium -- that needs upgrading, and they won't get the parking lots?

Really, this is starting to feel like the time your parents told you that of course you could go to the Springstreen concert -- as long as you took your 14-year-old brother. Or when you were in college, and there was that annoying frat brother -- but he was the only one who had a car.

Want to know what it's like to have Frank as your partner? Ask Jamie McCourt.

Honestly, buying the Dodgers under these circumstances would be like having Dick Cheney as your vice president.

Of course, not everyone is delusional. Of the 11 groups that made the cut in the bidding process, the Rick Caruso/Joe Torre bunch dropped out Thursday, citing the parking lot issue. That followed the reported withdrawal earlier in the week of a group that included former Dodgers owner Peter O'Malley.

So who's still in? Well, the biggest local name is probably Magic Johnson, and then there are several East Coast types and assorted well-heeled folks -- all of whom apparently really love the Dodgers.

And what exactly is the parking lot scenario?  From The Times' story:

McCourt divided the Dodgers and the parking lots into separate entities in 2005, with the approval of Major League Baseball. The Dodgers are in bankruptcy, but the McCourt entity that controls the parking lots is not.

The sale agreement between McCourt and MLB specifically permits him to retain the lots --  and build parking structures on them if he chooses.

The new owner of the Dodgers would inherit a lease for the parking lots -- at $14 million per year, with increases starting in 2015 -- and a separate loan that McCourt has said requires the team to play at Dodger Stadium until at least 2030.

Hmm, can you say "hamstrung"?  Because all I hear are warning klaxons, starting with the fact that Frank managed to run the Dodgers into bankruptcy -- but not his parking lot company.

Which means that he apparently knows a lot more about running a parking lot than a baseball team. 

So, worried about the high price of gas? Think parking in Chavez Ravine is expensive now? Wait until you attend a Dodgers game in 2015. Can you say "second mortgage"?

Not to mention what ticket prices will have to be if the new owners want to recoup their investment.

But the bidding goes on. You can talk all you want about a bad economy, but obviously the 1% folks are doing just fine, thank you very much, if they can pony up this kind of cash for part of a franchise -- and who knows, based on Frank's penny-pinching ways, the parking lots may turn out to be the best part of what's left.

Still, I've always been sure of one thing: Rich people didn't get rich by being stupid.

But in this case, you have to wonder if another old adage won't prove true: A fool and his money are soon parted.

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Photo: Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw, left, and center fielder Matt Kemp. Credit: Stephen Dunn / Getty Images

Alligators are in a way the mountain lions of Florida and Georgia. Developers build deeper into their territory; then humans are amazed to find there are dangerous wild animals in their picturesque midst and call for eradicating them.

In the terribly sad case of an 83-year-old woman who was house-sitting for her daughter outside of Savannah, Ga., the family is suing on the grounds that the homeowners' association should have done more to safeguard visitors to the residential area. The elderly woman was killed by an 8-foot alligator that lived in one of the many neighboring lagoons, which is their natural habitat. The Georgia Supreme Court has agreed to consider the case.

But it seems more like the endangerment to humans came from moving so close to potentially ferocious animals, and the lack of safety for the victim in this case was caused by her relatives having her stay in a place where she would be defenseless against attack, or perhaps not warning her to stay inside with the doors closed.

Could the homeowners association have put up more signs or some fencing to keep alligators off residential property? Possibly. But unless the homeowners were led astray by the developers in the first place, sold on the idea that there were no natural threats in the area, it seems that they made their own, ultimately tragic decision to settle in a dangerous place.

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Photo: An American alligator at the Columbus Zoo in Powell, Ohio. Credit: Postdlf

 
Are you ready for some football, L.A.? 

If you aren't, well, guess what -- it's coming anyway.

On Tuesday, Gov. Jerry Brown did his part, signing into law a bill that limits lawsuits that could delay AEG's $1.4-billion downtown stadium project.

What was the bill-signing ceremony like?  Uh, remember your high school pep rallies?

Tim Leiweke stood in front of the West Hall of the L.A. Convention Center on Tuesday and told a roaring crowd: "Tear it down!"

The order was a bit premature. Leiweke, the chairman and chief executive of Anschutz Entertainment Group, will have to wait until June at the earliest to break ground on the 72,000-seat NFL stadium that AEG hopes to build at the site....

At a news conference with Leiweke, a gaggle of politicians and two high school football teams, Brown said California’s high unemployment  means it's time "for big ideas and big projects."

Gosh, I knew everyone was trying to fast-track this environmental impact stuff, but I didn't know it was going to be this fast.

But don't worry.  AEG is obviously sparing no expense in studying the effects of its stadium on the downtown area and adjacent freeways.

For example, traffic.  As The Times reported Tuesday:

During a Los Angeles City Council committee meeting, officials with developer Anschutz Entertainment Group laid out preliminary proposals on how to ease traffic congestion and improve public transit near the stadium. They described a parking strategy that would direct game-day drivers to parking zones based on the direction they're traveling from and explained plans for an AEG-funded expansion of a light rail station on Pico Boulevard.

Now that is innovative: Drivers will be directed to "parking zones based on the direction they're traveling from."

I certainly wouldn't have thought of that.  Must be the latest in urban engineering. Wonder if they'll have "parking technicians" with "traffic directing devices" (that's parking lot guys with orange flags to you and me)?

Presumably, those "parking zones" will also have "parking spaces." At least, that's what the story promises, sort of:

[Michael Bates, AEG's transportation consultant,] estimates that 81.5% of fans would drive to weekend games, meaning that about 19,500 parking spots would be required on a game day.

He expects that in 2016, when AEG hopes to open the stadium, there should be some 38,350 parking spaces available downtown.

Well, that was easy. AEG needs parking and, poof, there are going to be plenty of spaces. In parking zones.

I'm guessing they're going to build some.  The others? They're leaving no stone unturned.

Well, OK, maybe a few stones unturned:

City Councilman Ed Reyes asked why Bates' parking maps did not include parking west of the 110 Freeway in Pico-Union, even though the area is steps from the stadium and is already used for parking by visitors to AEG's Staples Center.

Reyes, who represents Pico-Union, said it appeared that consultants were "not focusing on the impact on this side of the freeway." He asked Bates and Delvac to make sure that residents there are heard on such issues as traffic because their lives stand to be disrupted.

Oh, and let's not forget that light rail station on Pico.  After all, in a city with such an extensive light rail system, an estimated tens of people will be taking public transportation to the stadium.

Really, though, I should stop. This is all just nitpicking.  Where's my civic pride?  Where's my passion for the game?

After all, the hard part is over: At least we already have a team.

What?

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 --Paul Whitefield

Photo: California Gov. Jerry Brown, surrounded by labor leaders, local and state officials, signs two bills at the L.A. Convention Center, the site of a proposed new stadium. Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

Hey, L.A., what's your sign?

Answer: Gemini. 

Why? Because Los Angeles is of two minds about signs.

Take that famous symbol of L.A., the Hollywood sign. It's our Eiffel Tower, our Empire State Building, our Sphinx. People come from all over the world to see it, to get near it, to photograph it.

And how do welcome them?

As The Times reported Sunday, with other signs that read "Warning -- Tourist-Free Zone -- All Tourists Leave the Area" and "Tourists Go Away."  

Nice.

Even City Councilman Tom LaBonge, who represents part of Hollywood and has worked to clean up one viewing site of the sign, says:

"I wish tourists wouldn't drive up there. But GPS has put people from around the world at the doorstep of people who live up there."

All this fuss, of course, comes only a year after LaBonge and many others rallied the community to purchase land near the sign from developers so that the view of L.A.'s icon wouldn't be marred by new homes. 

So we want to be able see the sign, but we don't want too many people to see the sign, or get too close to the sign, or, as LaBonge also complained about a prime viewing spot:

"A lot of tourists smoke -- we picked up 100 cigarette butts up there. Our office was working with recreation and parks, which is short-staffed. We want to maintain that spot for fire-safety reasons."

Aha! We also don't want to burn down the sign.

Of course, the Hollywood sign's neighbors aren't the only Angelenos troubled by signs.

There's also City Atty. Carmen Trutanich. As The Times reported Monday:  

The city of Los Angeles has filed a lawsuit demanding millions of dollars from a Beverly Hills-based outdoor advertising company, saying it illegally wrapped 17 buildings with towering "supergraphic" advertisements.

In court documents filed Friday, City Atty. Carmen Trutanich said SkyTag and its president, Michael McNeilly, deprived the city of permitting fees, created traffic hazards and endangered the lives of people who were inside buildings whose windows were covered by the multistory vinyl ads.

Trutanich said he wants $2,500 for each day that a violation was committed by SkyTag, which has been at odds with the city for roughly a decade. Given the number of signs that are at issue, potential penalties in the case are "in the tens of millions of dollars," said William Carter, Trutanich’s chief deputy.

Now, I can buy the "deprived the city of permitting fees" argument. But somehow, I get the feeling that the "created traffic hazards" and the "endangered the lives of people who were inside buildings whose windows were covered" complaints are, shall we say, window dressing?

Thousands of people driving in L.A., texting or talking on their cellphones, putting on makeup or rockin' to the beat, and these big signs are traffic hazards? 

And don't quote me, but the last big -– in fact, the only -– L.A. high-rise office building fire I can remember was in 1988.  And as I recall, the firefighters' ladders weren’t tall enough to reach the windows where the fire was burning.

Really, I think this fight is about "Blade Runner."

Remember how that movie offered a disturbing picture of a future Los Angeles overrun by garish advertising signs, including blimps that float over the city?

It's not a pretty picture. It's not a Los Angeles most of us would want to live in.

So perhaps Trutanich is simply drawing a line in the sand. Perhaps he's trying to halt our slide down that slippery slope.

Because, in "Blade Runner," I don’t think you could see the Hollywood sign any more.

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-- Paul Whitefield

Photo:  Tourists often ignore signs posted by area residents so they can capture photos of themselves and the Hollywood sign. Credit: Christina House / For The Times

As part of our Op-Ed series "Postcards From the Recession," which shares on-the-ground reports from throughout Southern California, Kathy Gosnell Seiler, a copy editor at The Times, tells her story of the house she worked to rebuild only to lose to foreclosure.

The house was meant to be my refuge, a place where I could plant perennials and know I'd see them flower year after year, an investment for my daughter and me after many years of renting.

Artist Sean Kelly drew up the 'postcard' for the Op-Ed as he has for the previous installments of this series.

MORE POSTCARDS FROM THE RECESSION:

The Arellanos of Anaheim

California's Inland Empire

For artists, the picture is bleak

Weathering the storm in Morningside Circle

Got knocked down, got up, and then got better

--Samantha Schaefer

Illustration by Sean Kelly / For The Times

Wow, I wish I were Texas Gov. Rick Perry.

Perry may be a Republican presidential candidate.  He told Iowa's biggest newspaper that he'll decide in a couple of weeks or so whether to run.

So far, so normal.  Then came this:

In the Des Moines Register interview, Perry claims that running for president "is what I've been called to do," and "what America needs."

How did Perry get so lucky?  He's been "called" to run for president?

Me, I get "called" for jury duty. Or I get a "call" when my kid is not doing his homework.  The car repair place "called" me the other day to say that the shocks on my car are shot -- and so are my tires.

Also, my boss has "called" me several times to come in and work on the weekend: "Just for an hour or so, if you want to."

How come I can't get a "call" to run for president?  Heck, I'd settle for governor at this point, considering how well paid some of California's government employees are.

Life must be so much easier for guys like Perry. Of course, his boss is, apparently, The Boss:

As The Times reported, on Aug. 6 Perry is hosting at a prayer gather at Houston's Reliant Stadium called "The Response: a call to prayer for a nation in crisis."

"As an elected leader, I'm all too aware of government's limitations when it comes to fixing things that are spiritual in nature. That's where prayer comes in, and we need it more than ever," Perry says in a video posted to the event's website.

Oh, so that's it: He's got an in.  Isn't that always the way?  I tell you, you have to network these days to get the good jobs.

Speaking of jobs, that would apparently be one of Perry's big selling points on the campaign trail: Texas' reputation as the little job engine than can.

"If anybody tries to argue the fact that we have not created an economic juggernaut in the state of Texas, then they're either naive, they have a political agenda, or they're just not paying attention," Perry told the Register, hinting at what would be the foundation of his campaign's message.

If that's the case, though, perhaps California Gov. Jerry Brown should think about reviving his presidential hopes.

As The Times reported Sunday in "What recession?  It's boom time in Silicon Valley:"  

Venture capitalists poured more than $2.3 billion into Bay Area start-ups in the first quarter alone, a 53% increase from a year ago. Private equity firms, investment banks and mutual funds also have leaped into the mix, hunting for growth investments in a sluggish market.

(Although that story must be wrong: After all, everyone knows businesses are fleeing California. You can't do business in California -- all those liberals and environmentalists and government regulations, ya know.)

Of course, Perry didn't really say that God is calling for him to run.  It could be the Koch brothers, who may not be God but certainly have more money than Him.  Or maybe one of those super-PACs that The Times reported on Sunday; they're already spending big money on ads touting various causes.

Regardless, I'm betting that Perry is going to throw his Stetson in the ring. 

Although he's going to have finish up that light-bulb fight:  First he'll save the 100-watt incandescent bulb, then the country!

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Photo: Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Credit: Gregory Bull / Associated Press

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Oops. That's from Charles Dickens. This is supposed to be about Mark Twain and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Oh well, if the quote fits.

On Tuesday, The Times' Larry Gordon wrote a fascinating Column One about the unexpected, runaway success of the "Autobiography of Mark Twain" produced by UC Berkeley's Mark Twain Papers & Project. As Gordon reported:

The first volume of the planned trilogy has remained a national bestseller since its release in November, 100 years after Twain's death at the age of 74. There are nearly half a million copies in print, putting it as high as No. 4 on the Los Angeles Times' hardback nonfiction list and No. 2 on the New York Times' list.

I'd call that a contender for "the best of times" (literature category). Especially since the Twain project is "the little engine that could" of the scholarly world.

From Gordon's story:

The Twain project has an annual budget of $600,000, including $190,000 from UC. Among its private donors is UC Berkeley's Class of 1958, which gave $1 million to mark its 50th reunion, and the Koret Foundation. And it receives crucial backing, $7 million over four decades, from the National Endowment for the Humanities.

In other words, a brilliant, bestselling work about perhaps America's greatest writer has been produced for about what we spend in one hour on the war in Afghanistan.

Quick, someone call Capitol Hill and tell them to hold off on cutting the budget of the National Endowment for the Humanities. At least until Twain volumes two and three come out -– now scheduled for 2012 and 2014.  Gotta be some "Huck Finn" fans up on the Hill (though hopefully not of the proposed "n-word"-expunged version).

But these are also the "worst of times" too, right?

That's where F. Scott Fitzgerald comes in.

Newsday reported  that the mansion where Jay Gatsby's beloved Daisy Buchanan lived is going to be razed.

OK, it's not really Daisy's mansion. It's actually a house on Long Island that some people think inspired Fitzgerald.  

Called Lands End, the 20,000-square-foot place sits on 13 acres in Sands Point, N.Y., on Long Island Sound. And, according to Newsday, Winston Churchill, the Marx brothers, Dorothy Parker and the Duke and Duchess of Windsor attended parties there.  And, local lore has it, Fitzgerald drank there too.

You'll recall that in the book, Fitzgerald portrays the 1920s as an era of decayed social and moral values, evidenced in its overarching cynicism, greed, and empty pursuit of pleasure. The reckless jubilance that led to decadent parties and wild jazz music -- epitomized in "The Great Gatsby" by the opulent parties that Gatsby throws every Saturday night -- resulted ultimately in the corruption of the American dream, as the unrestrained desire for money and pleasure surpassed more noble goals.

(Or maybe you didn't recall that.  I didn't either; it's been a number of years since I read "The Great Gatsby." But thanks to Google and SparkNotes -- from which I lifted that passage -- I had you as fooled as my college American lit instructor.)

It's a fitting description, though, for the end of the real-life Lands End, because what do you think will happen to the property?  Yes, of course: Five Sands Point Village has approved plans to raze it and divide the site into lots for five custom homes -- starting at $10 million each. (No word yet on whether the developer will keep the green light at the end of the dock.)

Greed and the empty pursuit of pleasure never go out of style.

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Top photo: In this undated photo, author Mark Twain, born Samuel Clemens, is shown. Credit: Associated Press file. Bottom photo: Author F. Scott Fitzgerald poses with his wife, Zelda, and their daughter, Scottie, in their Paris apartment on July 16, 1925. Credit: Associated Press

On Tuesday's Op-Ed page, Michael Kinsley argues persuasively that rising home prices are not a good thing.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but in his next column, Kinsley will argue persuasively that being rich is not a good thing. Nor is being good-looking or having all your hair.

In Tuesday's article, Kinsley brushes aside capitalism and the law of supply and demand to visualize a new era of real estate.

For those with short attention spans, here's his premise:

In very general terms (with plenty of exceptions and variations) the housing market affects three different groups. There are those trying to break in -- generally young people searching for their first home. There are those in the middle, who want to trade up from a smaller house to a bigger one. And there are longtime homeowners, "empty nesters" who are approaching or already enjoying retirement and want to downsize or get out of the market completely.

Of those groups, he says, only the last benefits from rising prices, and even they don't benefit that much.

Or, if I may paraphrase: My hovel is worth less now, and it'll never go back up, and that's a good thing, so don't worry, be happy.

 But Kinsley's not finished. He then introduces the "greater-fool theory."

There is no physical reason why a house should become more valuable at all. It is not growing like a crop.... It becomes more valuable because people believe that it will become more valuable. Worse, since the general assumption that it will become more valuable is already reflected in the price you paid, you need a buyer who believes that it will become more valuable even faster than the general consensus.

I'll bet that house-hunting is fun in the Kinsley family:

"Look, honey, it's our new place!"

"Uh, dear, that's a cornfield."

"I know! Just look at all the room we have. And we'll make a profit every year, because it's more than a place to live, it's a crop. Our room is over there under the tree. We'll put the kids by the pond; it'll make bath time easier."

Personally, I just don't subscribe to the "greater-fool theory."

In fact, I prefer "the Mark Twain theory": "Buy land, they're not making it anymore."

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-- Paul Whitefield

Photo: Great Park in Irvine.  Credit: Mark Boster / Los Angeles Times

Tim Rutten's Saturday column, And the rich get richer, has gotten quite a response. Whereas our letters to the editor (which publish Tuesday) have largely been in support of Rutten’s argument against President Obama's estate tax provision, online commenters spent the weekend railing against Rutten.

From the column:

"It is particularly grotesque that, in this instance, those who derive their special advantage from the government by reason of the wealth they've amassed have secured this benefit by holding hostage the meager assistance Washington affords the one in 10 Americans who currently are jobless. In California, 12.4% of the workers are unemployed; in L.A. County, where bankruptcies have risen by 30% over the last year, nearly 13% are jobless. Of the 15 million Americans who are without work, 42% have been looking for a job for more than five months. An additional 9 million have been forced to accept part-time work, though they'd like full-time employment."

From the comment board:

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-- Alexandra Le Tellier

Columnist Doyle McManus (@DoyleMcManus) joined host Larry Mantle of KPCC's "AirTalk" to discuss President Obama's tax deal. As we wait to learn whether the House will pass the tax-cut package, listen here to what McManus had to say this morning.

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-- Alexandra Le Tellier