Opinion: Alabama -- snore -- wins -- snore -- the Field Goal Bowl -- snore

This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.

I know they call it football, but really, did Alabama have to take it so literally?

In what will go down as the Field Goal Bowl, the Crimson Tide beat LSU in the Boring Championship Series title game Monday night, 21-0.

Really, it only set college football back about 30 years. It was, in fact, a game for the ages -- the Dark Ages.

If this had been a meal, it would’ve been a turducken -– but it was only the first part of that dish; sadly, the Oregon Ducks, who may not be champions but wear the coolest uniforms and who at least score touchdowns in bunches, were missing this year.

I mean, the game’s theme song had to be ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’

If you were among the lucky ones who missed it, allow me to briefly recap:

First quarter, Alabama kicks a field goal. 3-0.

Second quarter: Alabama fakes a field goal. Alabama has a field goal blocked. Alabama kicks a field goal. And another. 9-0 Alabama at halftime.

Halftime show: They trot out a guy to try to win some kind of contest. And holy grits, they have him attempt field goals.

At this point, you have to wonder if the game isn’t in violation of the U.S. Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Especially given that viewers also have been forced to listen to play-by-play guy Brent Musburger call analyst Kirk Herbstreit ‘Herbie’ so often their ears are bleeding.

Third quarter: Alabama kicks a field goal. Alabama has a field goal blocked. Alabama kicks a field goal.

By now, although Herbie (no relation to the movie Volkswagen, though any of those films would’ve been more entertaining than this game) and Brent don’t seem to have noticed, LSU has run the same two plays the entire game. (For you casual fans, let me point out that the modern game has complicated offenses. Plays are something like ‘X waggle, 32 toss, Z-out, fire on hard-count 2.’ Except LSU’s plays are ’32 on hutt’ and ‘Hike it to me, I’ll run it, everyone else go deep.’)

Fourth quarter: An Alabama player runs the ball all the way into the end zone. This is called a touchdown. Tide fans weep. No one else is watching anymore.

Of course, the kicker -– apparently now the guy in the halftime contest -– misses the extra point. 21-0 Alabama.

The game ends. The Gatorade is spilled. The confetti falls. Tide Coach Nick Saban is so excited, he actually smiles.

LSU’s players are despondent, knowing that most will be punished by losing their free cars.

Alabama’s players are joyful, knowing that, as national champions, even better free cars await them.

College football fans, meanwhile, can only hope that next year’s game features USC, or Oregon, or even a Boise State or Oklahoma State. Anyone who can actually score touchdowns.

Defense may win titles, but if I have to watch kicking, I’ll tune in to soccer.

Right, Herbie?

ALSO

Photos: BCS title game: Alabama vs. LSU

BCS preview: How about USC-LSU next year?

SEC is consistently better, with a little bit of luck

--Paul Whitefield