Opinion: Tigers on the loose in Ohio -- and Lindsay Lohan too!
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Not every news day is ‘Man lands on moon’ or ‘Obama elected president’ or even ‘Black Friday on Wall St.’
No, some news days are, well, different. Like Wednesday:
‘Dangerous exotic animals deliberately freed in Ohio, officials say.’
‘Georgia Supreme Court to hear case of woman eaten by alligator.’
‘Lindsay Lohan taken away in handcuffs after probation is revoked.’
Sure, the Republican presidential candidates bashed one another Tuesday night, attempting to prove they can run the country much better than President Obama. The Times has plenty of coverage of that.
But really, how in the world can you resist reading a story about lions and tigers and bears roaming Ohio?
I mean, for SoCal residents of a certain age, it’s Lion Country Safari déjà vu time:
‘We are not talking about your normal everyday housecat or dog. These are 300-pound Bengal tigers that we had to put down,’ [Muskingum County Sheriff Matt] Lutz said. Schools in the area were closed as a precaution, and motorists were warned to stay in their vehicles.
Plus, grisly as the subject matter may be, who doesn’t want to know what kind of court case has been filed involving a woman-eating gator? Certainly I learned something new:
A key issue the Georgia court will address is whether the homeowners’ association should be shielded from the lawsuit under a doctrine known as ‘animals ferae naturae.’
Which apparently means that, when an alligator kills and partially eats your 83-year-old mother-in-law who is house-sitting while you and your wife are vacationing in Europe, it’s a case of animals will be animals.
Finally, though you may claim to be tired of Lindsay Lohan, there’s something about her train wreck of a life that makes you want to just take a little peek at that story -- just so you can shake your head in righteous indignation, right?
Lohan’s crime this time?
[L.A. County Superior Court Judge Stephanie] Sautner reviewed Lohan’s probation progress as part of a sentence stemming from a 2007 drunk-driving conviction and the May theft conviction. Sautner said Lohan deliberately ‘blew off’ the 360 hours of community service that she had been ordered to complete at the Downtown Women’s Center, missing nine appointments and logging just 21 hours.
Lohan’s defense this time?
Lohan’s attorney, Shawn Holley, said the actress ‘had to earn a living to support herself and her family’ and her opportunities are in Europe.
So, she was busy. A girl’s gotta work. Wonder if that would work for the rest of us?
But fortunately for Lohan, California can’t afford the prisoners it already has. So what will happen to her?
The judge, however, admitted that jail is not really a place for Lohan because that is now where felons are being sent by the state. The judge said that if the actress does make bail, she must perform two days a week of her 120 hours’ community service at the morgue.
The morgue! Now that’s tough on crime.
But perhaps the Solomonic solution would be for Lohan to do a movie about working in a morgue?
Still, enough of ‘news lite.’ There must be something else.
Ah, this just in: ‘Man accused of trying to break into Southwest cockpit.’
As they say in those Bud Light commercials: Here we go.
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--Paul Whitefield
