A modest proposal: For Republicans seeking a dark-horse presidential candidate, I'm your stallion
I'm Paul Whitefield, and I'm running as a Republican for president of the United States.
Don't laugh. I have a platform and everything.
First, let me say that I will follow Ronald Reagan's 11th Commandment: I will not speak ill of other Republicans. And that includes Newt Gingrich, whose own top aides were so fed up with him that they quit Thursday, and Mitt Romney, who thought up "Obamacare."
No, I'm going to run a positive campaign. After all, I'm sure Ron Paul can't help it that he has two first names, nor do I hold it against Tim Pawlenty that he was governor of Minnesota, just like Jesse Ventura.
Yes, I know that I'm a bit of an unknown. But who had really heard of Sarah Palin in 2008, and now that blabbermouth is everywhere! (Oops, 11th Commandment slip-up there. Sorry. Teleprompter malfunction.)
So let me get right to my bold ideas for remaking America.
My campaign is about jobs, taxes and healthcare.
My opponents say that to create jobs, they'll cut taxes. But we need the Mt. St. Helens of job creation. And that's why I'm calling for an end to all taxes.
That's right. If some tax cuts are good, no taxes at all are better. That way, we'll free the rich to create jobs by the bushel basket.
And that's jobs for everyone, not just the privileged. For example, under my administration, the Lower Socioeconomic Americans, or LOSERS, will be given the chance to join various private enterprises. This program, which I call PYUBYOWN, for "Pull Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps," will receive a waiver from federal and state minimum-wage and child labor laws, to ensure that everyone participates.
Of course, with so many new workers, consumer spending will explode. To handle this flood of spending, I'll impose a fee on some things we buy. These fees will pay the salaries of elected officials and the relatives they hire to oversee our new, much smaller government.
Naturally, some items will be exempted from fees: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, Rolex watches and the like.
But how, you ask, will we provide for the national defense without taxes?
Again, simple is better: We'll privatize the military.
Exxon Mobil, Chevron and several other oil companies, in exchange for certain profit-making opportunities, will take over our military responsibilities in the Middle East and Latin America.
If the oil companies don't see profit potential in some areas, we’ll auction off those parts of the world to the highest bidders.
Our great U.S. Navy will be absorbed by Princess Cruise Lines and Disney Cruise Line. I'm sure many Americans would love the chance to romp for two fun-filled weeks on the deck of the SS Ronald Reagan as the mighty carrier patrols the Mediterranean. For a slight additional fee, aerial tours of such breathtakingly scenic and historic countries as Libya and Afghanistan could be arranged.
Though I'm not a veteran, having chosen to fight the Vietnam War here at home against the hippies who sought to undermine our great nation, I have the utmost respect for our heroes in uniform. These brave servicemen and women will be given 401(k) plans and other profit-sharing incentives. They will continue to receive clothing and room and board. However, in the spirit of sacrifice that I'm asking all average Americans to make, they will be asked to chip in for gas money now and again.
And we won't forget our wounded warriors. Those vets will receive vouchers that can be used to purchase insurance from private insurers.
That brings us to the subject of healthcare. We have the greatest healthcare system in the world. Once "Obamacare" is repealed, those who can afford it will once again have access to that system, free of government interference.
But let's be honest. We will still face the problem of keeping costs down and insurance companies’ profits up.
So, what can be done about the uninsured, and Medicare?
To the elderly I say: I want your vote. If you're on Medicare now, your benefits are safe.
For everyone else, though, here's the plain truth: Although I don't believe in evolution, I do believe in the "survival of the fittest."
If you're sick, or old, or you don't have enough money to pay for healthcare, then our Creator has in His wisdom put in place a natural mechanism to end your suffering. And as a Christian, I say, "God's will be done. Amen."
Ladies and gentlemen, in the coming weeks I will continue to flesh out these bold initiatives. I will listen to you. I may even Tweet some of you.
If you're rich, I want to be your candidate. "Friend" me on Facebook.
And you LOSERS out there: I want to be your candidate too.
See you in Iowa.
-- Paul Whitefield
Photo: The 2008 Republican National Convention. Credit: Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times