"FBI Hoped to Follow Falafel Trail to Iranian Terrorists Here"
No, it's NOT an Onion article. It's a real-news piece from Congressional Quarterly, documenting one of the FBI's increasingly desperate attempts to make terror out of teriyaki. Bad metaphor, but...
Like Hansel and Gretel hoping to follow their bread crumbs out of the forest, the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco-area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern food would lead to Iranian terrorists.
Of course, I need to start out by pointing out how absurd this short-lived plan was. It's like saying you can track Americans traveling around the world because they all head to the nearest McDonalds! Oh, wait...
Never mind, of course, that the falafel is not an Iranian dish. It's a "uniting, pan-Middle Eastern" meal, as well as a popular alternative American fast food rivaling the burrito and chow mein (other plates plundered from unsuspecting immigrant cultures). Thus, along with unfairly targeting innocent Americans, the FBI would have caught in its net rabid vegans — not to mention homesick Israelis.
If you're hoping the LAPD could use these tactics to improve its Muslim-mapping project, though, don't hold your breath. According to CQ,
The brainchild of top FBI counterterrorism officials Phil Mudd and Willie T. Hulon, according to well-informed sources, the project didn’t last long. It was torpedoed by the head of the FBI’s criminal investigations division, Michael A. Mason, who argued that putting somebody on a terrorist list for what they ate was ridiculous — and possibly illegal.
Too bad. I could do with a comprehensive map of good falafel joints in this town — and the cops could use a break from donuts and coffee.
